The Way Back to Erin Read online

  “But, dear, we don’t need—”

  Erin didn’t wait to hear the ending of that sentence. She hightailed it from the room without even grabbing the teapot.

  * * *

  AS SOON AS Erin reached the kitchen, some of the tightness in her chest eased. She leaned her back against the kitchen door and drew a deep breath. Why had Mrs. Cleary’s question made her so uncomfortable? She didn’t mind them asking after Kitt and how he felt about Burke. So why should it be any different for her?

  She swallowed. She knew why. And she’d always feared that others knew it, too. That was the problem.

  “Erin, dear?”

  She heard Mrs. Cleary’s voice on the other side of the door. Clearing her throat, she stepped away from the door and turned to open it.

  “Yes, Mrs. Cleary? Did you need something?”

  The older lady appeared concerned. “No, it’s not that. We were only worried that you were all right. You seemed flustered in there.”

  She forced a smile. “I’m fine. Really. But I appreciate your concern. I was just getting ready to brew another pot of tea.”

  “Oh, that won’t be necessary. Our discussion is winding down. We thought perhaps you’d like to join us as we finish up.”

  In some ways, it was tempting. Erin liked the group of elderly ladies. Sometimes they gossiped too much, but they were also funny and warm. Yet, given the topic of conversation a moment before, she thought it was better to avoid them at the moment.

  “I appreciate that, Mrs. Cleary, but I should really tidy up the kitchen. We have guests at the inn this weekend, and I’ll have to prep for tomorrow’s breakfast before too long.”

  It was only an excuse. She could spare a little time. But too many more questions about Burke, and she’d likely say something she shouldn’t.

  Mrs. Cleary didn’t take this cue to depart, however. Instead, she followed Erin as she moved toward the sink. She was a little uncertain as Mrs. Cleary shuffled up behind her.

  “If I may, dear, I thought I might speak with you.”

  Mrs. Cleary moved toward the kitchen table without waiting for Erin to respond. She pulled out a chair and settled herself into it. Erin had little choice but to follow her lead.

  “The ladies and I have been talking, and we’re concerned about you.”

  Erin frowned. “Um...how so?”

  Mrs. Cleary leaned forward as if she had something significant to impart.

  “We’re worried about Burke’s presence here at the inn.”

  Erin flinched, feeling an immediate stab of shame. “As I said, Burke’s presence here is only temporary.”

  “Yes, of course.” Mrs. Cleary waved a hand in dismissal. “But surely you see how it looks to the rest of the community.”

  A spark of anger flared. “What do you mean, the rest of the community?”

  “Oh, Erin, I’m not trying to upset you. It’s only that it’s a strange situation. You are living with your husband’s brother.”

  Stating it so baldly heightened the sense of shame Erin had experienced a moment before.

  “But it’s not, we’re not together—” She stopped. But they were working their way to that point, weren’t they? After last night, after their kiss, hadn’t that been the direction her thoughts had gone? Her and Burke. Together. She felt her cheeks flaming and turned her face down, embarrassed.

  Mrs. Cleary’s words had made her feel as though Gavin was still alive and had witnessed their kiss from the night before. She would never have kissed Burke if Gavin were still living. She had been a faithful wife, had buried any feelings she’d ever had for Burke. They’d seen relatively little of each other during her marriage to Gavin. She had nothing to feel ashamed for...until now.

  What if falling for Burke was wrong, no matter whether Gavin was living or not? Given their past, the feelings that had blossomed in their youth, perhaps that meant she could never atone for those emotions. If she loved Burke now, maybe it was no different than if she’d loved him during her marriage, whether she’d acted on it or not.

  “Burke is a very handsome man. Just like his brother.”

  “Yes,” she whispered, unable to find the words to speak further.

  “Surely you can see where people would talk.”

  Surely, she could. But it didn’t make the pain any less.

  “And I worry about you. And Kitt.”

  Kitt. How had she not put more consideration into Kitt and his feelings on this subject? Sure, he adored Burke. But admiring his uncle was very different from Burke replacing Gavin, something she didn’t really want. Gavin was Kitt’s father. Was it fair to Gavin’s memory to place Burke in the role that rightfully belonged to his brother?

  How stupid could she be? She should have known better, but she’d allowed the emotions of a moment to propel her in a direction that wasn’t appropriate.

  “Burke will only be staying here until he gets back on his feet,” Erin said. Her tone sounded distant, detached. “He’s Kitt’s uncle, after all. It’s good for him to have the opportunity to get to know him better. But I can promise you, Burke is my brother-in-law. Nothing more.”

  He can never be anything more.

  “I’m relieved to hear it,” Mrs. Cleary admitted. “And I’m sorry, if I’ve disappointed you. But better to hear it now before any damage is done between the two of you. For Kitt’s sake.”

  Erin’s chest ached, but she was unable to tell the older woman that it was already too late for that—the damage was irreparable. To taste hope, to believe in love again, only to have it shattered.

  She and Burke were not meant to be. Ever. It had been a futile fantasy, a brief reliving of her teenage self. She wiped at her eyes and realized they were dry. No tears then. She’d learned to control them well.

  “Yes, you’re right,” she said, again in that same removed tone.

  Mrs. Cleary patted her arm, and it was all Erin could do to keep from jerking away. She didn’t resent Mrs. Cleary’s interference but neither did she welcome her expressions of sympathy.

  She stood to her feet.

  “Thank you for your concern, Mrs. Cleary. If you don’t mind, I’m just going to tidy up a few things here in the kitchen. Please let me know if you or the ladies need anything else.”

  “Of course, dear. You are such a treasure. It’s a shame...” She trailed off, shaking her head. “Such a shame.”

  Erin didn’t respond and waited until Mrs. Cleary had departed before she turned back to study the kitchen, looking for items to tidy up. The photo of Gavin still hung in its honorary place in the center of the refrigerator. She turned her back on it, unable to meet her husband’s eye.

  CHAPTER NINE

  BURKE WAS GRINNING before he even opened his eyes. His dreams had been filled with the scent and feel of Erin in his arms. For a moment, his smile slipped, wondering whether his memory of the night before had been merely a dream. But he quickly dismissed that idea, and his grin returned.

  He knew it had been real, every sweet second. He was suddenly grateful to Tessa, for what she had done and for coming to visit him the day before. Without that closure, he’d be feeling very differently this morning. If Tessa hadn’t ended things as she had, he’d be married now...and he could see that his heart hadn’t been where it should have been. It would have been wrong to marry Tessa. Whatever her reasons, he blessed her for having the foresight to call things off. A part of his heart was still tender toward her, but he could see now, by his reaction to last night’s kiss, that a part of him had always loved Erin, all these years.

  The question now was what came next. The two of them hadn’t spoken of logistics. They hadn’t spoken much at all, in fact, had just savored holding each other under the stars. But Burke knew they had a lot to talk about. He hoped after last night, there was the possibility they could begin...well, as old-f
ashioned as it sounded, a courtship.

  There’d never been anyone for him other than Erin, not really. Tessa was the first woman he’d dated more than a handful of times in the last few years. His job kept him on the move so much that there’d never been much chance to establish long-term relationships.

  And he’d liked it that way. He’d experienced a lot as a traveling photojournalist, but love wasn’t on the list. He’d always figured he’d done that already, with Erin, and though he’d eventually shelved those memories with her, he had never been very keen on experiencing those emotions again with someone else.

  Perhaps that’s why Tessa had seemed so right for him. He liked her, enjoyed her company and found her attractive. They got along well. In fact, they’d never had a fight. Not once in the year and a half they’d dated and not even while planning their wedding. He’d felt great affection for Tessa, even love...but there hadn’t been that spark, the fire he’d once—and still—experienced with Erin.

  He pushed off the covers and sat up, his mind still reliving the evening before as he went through the motions of taking a shower in the bathroom attached to his room and getting dressed for the day.

  By the time he headed downstairs, the sun had been up for a couple of hours. He’d overslept, and now he was more than eager to see Erin.

  He found Kitt at the bottom of the stairs. His nephew beamed at the sight of him, a reaction that never failed to warm Burke’s heart. Kitt was a great kid. He was still rather quiet and a little bit subdued, but that was getting better with each passing day. Burke hoped that by Christmas his nephew would be as well-adjusted as any child his age could be for having lost their father so young.

  Burke knew it had taken him years to adapt to being parentless. And the loss of his parents still affected him, but he’d had Gavin—and eventually Aunt Lenora—to see him through. Now perhaps it was his chance to pay things forward by giving Kitt a reason to smile again. He was more than happy to do it, even if Erin had not been a consideration. But after last night, he was filled with all sorts of warm and wishful thoughts about what the future might look like—for the two of them...for the three of them.

  He tousled Kitt’s hair and then looked up to find Erin watching him from the doorway to the foyer. He felt a jolt of awareness, his skin tingling at the sight of her. He wanted nothing more than to go over and draw her into his arms as he placed a long and lingering kiss on her mouth, but he restrained himself. They hadn’t discussed anything—having a relationship, revealing it to others and especially not how they’d tell Kitt. He had to play it cool no matter how much he was itching to touch her. But if he couldn’t kiss her, he at least offered her what he hoped was a smile that conveyed everything he was feeling.

  To his dismay, she didn’t return the gesture. He frowned, realizing her eyes were bloodshot, as though she hadn’t gotten much sleep.

  Oh no. No.

  “Have fun at the library with Aunt Lenora,” she spoke toward Kitt. “Don’t get any more than three books this time, okay? Aunt Lenora will take you again next week.”

  “Can Uncle Burke come?” Kitt asked.

  Burke barely spared a glance in Kitt’s direction. He was too focused on Erin, trying to figure out what had gone wrong.

  “Not right now, buddy. Maybe we can do something together this afternoon,” Burke said.

  “Okay,” Kitt agreed and trotted off, presumably in search of Aunt Lenora.

  “Erin—”

  But she had already turned and headed in the direction of the kitchen. He followed, all his earlier happiness dissipating.

  Erin stepped into the kitchen ahead of him, and he stood in the doorway for a moment, watching her, the tense line of her back and the way her glossy brown hair fell past her shoulders. More than anything he wanted to wrap his arms around her, draw her into him and plant kisses along the back of her neck. But the stiffness in her posture kept him away, a wordless warning to stay back.

  “You said you wouldn’t freak out,” he said, the words sounding loud in the kitchen’s stillness.

  She tensed even more at this, frozen for the length of several heartbeats before she began to scrub furiously at a serving platter that looked clean already.

  “I’m not freaking out,” she replied, but she didn’t look at him. Burke felt as though a bag of rocks filled his stomach, weighing him down.

  “Then come here and kiss me.”

  That snapped her out of the coldness she was radiating. She whirled, eyes wild.

  “Stop it!” She sounded almost...desperate. He took two steps forward, and she shifted, backing up against the counter as if afraid he would do her harm. He stopped, brow furrowed.

  “Erin, what’s going on?”

  She was shaking her head, and he had the sense she was fighting to remain under control. When he saw a tear fall, he moved toward her and wrapped her in his arms before she could protest.

  She clung to him for a moment, her grip fierce and sure. But it only lasted for a breath before she pushed him away and held out a hand to keep him at arm’s length.

  “I’m sorry for kissing you last night,” she said, but she wouldn’t meet his eyes.

  “I’m not,” he replied, his voice firm with conviction.

  “It was a mistake,” she went on, “I never should have...”

  “Erin, what happened?”

  She finally looked at him directly. “Nothing happened,” she answered, but her tone said otherwise.

  “Erin.”

  She shifted toward the sink, turning her back on him once more. “You and me, it’s not right.”

  He tightened his jaw, trying to keep his temper in check. “Why?”

  “Because you’re Gavin’s brother—”

  “Gavin’s dead.”

  Even he was appalled at the harsh finality of that statement. Erin’s head shot up, but she didn’t turn, just stared straight ahead. Her back was tighter than ever, a rigid line of disapproval.

  Burke knew he should stop talking, but he couldn’t. Resentment welled and bubbled over.

  “I loved my brother. More than anyone, with the exception of you and Kitt. But he is gone, Erin. He’s gone. You can stay married to his memory, but it won’t bring him back. It will keep you, and Kitt, trapped in the past when you need to find a way to move forward with your life.”

  She took several long, deep breaths before she turned, grabbing a dishtowel to wipe her hands as she met his eyes. “You can’t love me, Burke. It’s not possible.”

  “Not possible? Or not allowed?”

  Her lips settled into a thin line, and he knew he had to tread gently.

  “Erin...you said—” He stopped, choosing his words carefully. “I thought, from what you said last night, that maybe you had, or have...feelings for me.”

  She swallowed, her gaze faltering as she glanced at the floor.

  “Were you lying?”

  Her eyes flew back to his. “No. I wouldn’t lie about something like that.” She looked appalled but also extremely uncomfortable with this conversation.

  “Then help me understand.” She had feelings for him, he was sure of it. But how deep did those emotions run?

  “If you and I were to...” She trailed off, her face growing red. “It just wouldn’t be right,” she finished.

  “Why? Because of Gavin?”

  She flinched but didn’t hesitate to answer, “Yes. Because what will people think, if you and I were to...you know.”

  He made a face. “I don’t really care what people would think. Especially when my happiness—and yours—is at stake.”

  “It’s not that simple, Burke. It’s never been that simple.”

  “But it is that simple. Either you love me or you don’t. Either you choose me or you don’t. But if we’re going on record, I choose you, Erin.” His feelings for her welled up afte
r fifteen years of being suppressed. “It’s always been you,” he whispered. “Every single day.”

  “Tessa?” she questioned, her voice catching.

  He gave a nod of acknowledgment. “I cared for Tessa deeply—I still do. But it’s different. I have fun with her, and we get along well. But there’s no...fire. Not like there’s always been with you. Tessa is my past.” He drew a deep breath, daring himself to say the words. “You’re my future.” And then, knowing it was a risk, he said, “Just like Gavin will always be a part of your past.”

  He left the rest of the thought unsaid for her to finish herself.

  Let me be your future.

  He watched her struggle with the words, battling whatever had put her wall back in place. Her eyes slid closed, her posture still rigid. Her fists clenched and unclenched at her sides.

  Come on, Erin. Choose me. Be with me.

  “Excuse me?”

  A voice sounded at the kitchen’s second door, the one that led from the guest’s dining room. Burke’s eyes slid closed in frustration.

  “Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I have to tell you how much my husband enjoyed those gluten-free muffins you served at our breakfast this morning. It can be so difficult to find pastries without wheat that are as delicious as the real thing.”

  Erin smiled, but it looked strained to Burke. “Of course, Mrs. Atwell. I’m so glad you enjoyed them.”

  “I wondered if you’d mind sharing the recipe with me? It’s my husband’s birthday next month, and I know he’d love it if I served them.”

  “Sure, I’ll type up a copy and leave it outside your room.”

  “Oh, that would be lovely, thank you! George will be so surprised.”

  Burke gritted his teeth. It wasn’t the guest’s fault, he knew that. But it was also why he had never loved living at the inn. It felt like everyone else was the first priority. It had to be that way, he knew, but it didn’t mean he had to like it.

  By the time Mrs. Atwell had finished offering her thanks and left them alone again, he knew that whatever slim chance he’d had of Erin choosing him was gone. He could see it in her eyes as they shifted their focus back to him.